ATOP Chapter Thirty-One

Dear Annie,

I know I'm not much good at writing letters... this is the first I've written since Mac got home... Afraid I don't really know what I'm doing. I...

Jafe paused, pen in midair, and shook his head, frowning to himself. He tore the sheet out of the notebook, crumpled it, and tossed it over his shoulder. 

Dear Annie,

I wanted to apologize for what happened at the barn raising...

Again he stopped, and another crumpled sheet of paper flew over his shoulder.

Dear Annie,

I should have written sooner. I know it's been almost two months already and I'm sorry it's taken me so long... I just didn't know what to say...

"Idiot," he told himself between clenched teeth. "You should have told her right away. There's no excuse for waiting so long." Running his hands through his hair, he sighed miserably. He had tried, honestly... just not hard enough. He was scared to death to talk to her. He had tried for the first two weeks after the barn raising, in church, but she seemed never to notice him standing there, waiting for her. She simply brushed past him, walking briskly out the door and disappearing round the corner.

Then she disappeared completely, and a substitute teacher took her place at the school. He found out the roundabout way... through gossip, that is... that she was visiting her sister for a few weeks. She was back now, and had spent the past couple of weeks continuing to ignore his existence. He didn't know how to reach her... how to make her understand...

Dear Annie,

Please believe me when I say I never tried to make a joke out of you. I've always loved you, and it's real and true love, and I mean that with all my heart. I'd do anything to make you believe me... what can I do? I'll go down on my knees and beg you, if that would help...

Dear Annie,

Please talk to me. I've been trying... I don't know what to say, but...

Dear Annie,

If you would just listen... I'm trying so hard to make you believe... what can I do to prove myself to you? 

Dear Annie,

This is killing me. I should have tried to fix all this years ago... I was too scared back then... guess I'm still too scared now...

Dear Annie,

I've lost count by now of the letters I've tried to write to you... I just can't seem to find the words. I don't know how to explain, how to make you believe me...

Dear Annie,

I'm sorry. I'm just... plain sorry. All kinds of sorry. You can't imagine how sorry. I'm sorry I let it go so long, I'm sorry I didn't try to explain years ago, I'm sorry... I'm sorry about everything. Please believe me... I'm so sorry... dear Annie, believe me... 

"I don't have to do this," Jafe hissed angrily and tore the last page to bits, scattering them on the floor carelessly. He had his pride, after all, and he wasn't going to grovel at her feet. If she wasn't going to listen to him, then fine! Let it be. Let her go. 

If he could handle living without her.

Seeing her again after all those years... talking to her, dancing with her... being that close to her... and now to be completely ignored... the first rejection had hurt bad enough, all those years ago... but it couldn't begin to be compared with this one.

♡♡♡

Rachel lay awake long into the night, staring at Ronnie's sleeping form beside her. He seemed so peaceful just then that it rather clashed in her mind with the way he was awake... and it struck her just how troubled he really was. Why, she could guess, but she really could never know for sure.

It was strange, really... just how little she knew of this man she had married. She ran her mind backward, trying to remember everything... the way he had been when she met him, the way he had changed... or had he?

She let herself drift back to that night when she first saw him. The night she had prayed to die... so cold and hungry and lonely that she had longed for death. He had come out of nowhere... this blue-eyed miracle of hers... had fed her and her starving little one, had wrapped her in his coat, comforted her with his quiet strength, the safety of his presence... and when she had been too overcome with fear to move... he had carried her.

And then he had been willing to sacrifice his life for her.

Yes... that was it... it was between that night and the day he had come back that whatever it was that had changed him had happened. He had already been troubled, worn, beaten by sorrow and trouble that she did not know of... the sorrow that had brought gray so early to his hair and made his eyes so tired and sad... but something more had happened. Something that stripped away that quiet strength of his that had so drawn her to him in the beginning. It had taken the strength and left this turmoil in its place. 

She remembered now... it had been gone the day he found her in the refugee camp. The way he had stumbled towards her and fallen weakly into her arms... she had felt rather than realized then that something was gone in him. Something that might never return. 

And now... now he must be staggering under the weight of a silent burden... struggling alone because for some unknown reason, he was shutting her out. He was alone in a world of pain and grief and guilt and he wouldn't let her in.

But why? Her heart cried out and she longed almost to fall to her knees and beg him to tell her. If he went on alone like this, whatever he was struggling with would destroy him. How well she understood pain and grief... and she had laid her soul bare before him. The comfort he had given her had restored her being. Why would he not let her offer him the same? She wanted to help him... longed to... and he wouldn't let her. 

Sudden anger filled her heart. Did he not trust her? Did he not truly love her enough to share all that was in his heart? Why was he hiding himself from her? Had she not told him everything? The anger boiled up inside her until she wanted to shake him awake and give him as big a piece of her mind as she could possibly manage...

But he stirred restlessly. He cried out, called her name... and turned to pull her into his arms and hold her desperately close.

He was shaking... he was crying... crying in his sleep. She felt her anger slowly melting away. Here, while he was unconscious, he could be vulnerable with her. Maybe it was only a matter of time until he did it while awake.

She moved in his arms until she cradled his head against her heart. She ran her fingers through his hair, bending to whisper to him... German words, mostly. She hardly knew what she was saying. She comforted him as she would have comforted Benjie.

There must be strong and high walls around his heart. Someday, somehow... he would have to let her in. She hoped it wouldn't be long. She felt lonely... locked outside.