ATOP Chapter Thirty-Four

"We need to talk," Rachel pulled the newspaper from her husband's hands and sat down across from him, folding it determinedly. "I took Benjie to Josh and Emma's so we would have time. This... this cannot go on any longer, Ronnie."

"Is something wrong?" Ronnie only looked confused. Rachel swallowed hard, fidgeting with the edge of the newspaper.

"Jah... I think... there is." She stared down at her hands for a long moment, nervously folding the corner of the paper over and unfolding it, pressing the crease flat and then folding it again. "There is something that... you are not... telling me."

Ronnie didn't answer. But when she looked up, she saw that his face had gone pale as ashes and his eyes gray. He sat motionless, as if he had been turned to stone. Rachel bit her lip and tore the corner of the paper off, rolling it between her fingers.

"You are having those nightmares more and more," she murmured, avoiding those gray eyes. She couldn't stand it when his eyes looked like that. It frightened her. "Last night it was so bad, you almost fell out of bed. I was so... afraid. I almost called your dad... next time, I just might. I... Ronnie..." she glanced up and then down again. He still hadn't moved or spoken. "Every time I ask you about it, you say it is nothing. And yet... I cannot believe that. 'They'll kill you', you say. 'It was right.' and... 'I'm not afraid to die.' Those three phrases, over and over and over again... and when you get to that 'I'm not afraid to die', it gets... oh, Ronnie, it gets so bad..." She dropped the newspaper and buried her face in her hands. She sat there a long moment, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs.

Still nothing from her silent husband. He wasn't even looking at her... just sitting there, staring at his hands... It made her almost angry. Lifting her head suddenly, Rachel moved from her chair to kneel in front of him. She reached up, brushing his hair aside to reveal the scar that streaked across his forehead. She touched it gently, tears spilling from her eyes.

"What happened out there?" she whispered, her hand shaking as she traced the scar. "What happened that you are not telling me?" She moved to grip his hand, holding it tightly in both of hers. He would not move and it was scaring her nearly as much as the nightmares did. 

"I have told you everything, Ronnie. Everything. How my family tried to flee, how my mother was killed, how my father died of a broken heart, how my sisters disappeared, how my husband was shot before my eyes... how I fled to the country, had my baby alone... all those days that we hid in the snow, running from German soldiers, starving and freezing to death. I have told you everything, I have held nothing back. That is how it is supposed to be... we can help each other, Ronnie! If only we just open up and tell each other everything... we can help each other move past the memories and the horror... we can get through this together! Together, Ronnie! You don't have to go through it alone... that's not how marriage works! I... I feel like I am... losing you... you are so... far away from me..."

She dropped his hand and rose to her feet, her face almost red with sudden anger. She gripped his shoulders and shook him roughly. He let her do it and that made her even angrier.

"Ronald Aaron Stewart!" she shouted, her frustration making her desperate. "Why do you not talk to me? What is wrong with you? You... you..." Her words ran out and then... she did something she never thought she would do. She slapped him... slapped him as hard as she could. He looked up at her and his eyes flashed angrily... but still he said nothing. She turned and ran, right out the front door, slamming it behind her. The windows rattled. In the silence that followed, the clock ticked, the fire crackled on the hearth, and Ronnie dropped his head into his hands and wept. 

♡♡♡

Rachel stumbled through the steadily falling snow, blinded by tears. She didn't know where she was going or what she was doing, and she didn't care. She ran until she could no longer see the house and then she fell, collapsing into the snow and weeping until her strength was spent. 

Scenes raced across her minds... the most painful memories coming back all at once and in a rush. That night that her family was dragged from their home in Germany... the shouts of the soldiers, her mother's screams, the wails of her little sisters. She remembered running, hand-in-hand with Isaac... they had all run. But they had not all made it. She had turned back, had seen her father collapse... she remembered how he lay dying... she remembered holding on to Isaac and crying for hours... and she could see Isaac falling lifelessly, the Nazi soldiers snarling curses at a dead man... And all those dreadful days she had spent alone... and the times she held Benjie close, wondering if he would last the night in the cold and with almost nothing in his tiny stomach. She remembered begging God to take them both together, and right away, rather than leave them to starve and freeze to death, or to the cruelty of the Nazi soldiers. 

The memories grew more vivid and intense until they engulfed her new life, swallowing her up with their pain and grief. It was as if she was alone again... had always been alone... and this time, Benjie was not there. She was alone somewhere in Belgium, lost out there in the snow... desperately cold, desperately alone, desperately wishing she was dead. She couldn't think... her mind was spinning wildly. She cried out, reaching for something... what, she knew not. And she only felt handfuls of snow. It was cold and she was tired... and the loneliness was more than she could bear.

She didn't hear her name being called. It was drowned out by the echoes of the past. But she felt herself being lifted from the ground and she wept, confused, frightened... and relieved. Ronnie was holding her close, shielding her from the wind and snow and another memory came forward... pushing back the pain that had threatened to choke her only moments ago. 

The memory of a soldier who had changed her life. Kind blue eyes that understood her pain and grief... strong arms that had carried her to safety... as he was carrying her now. She forced herself out of the flashbacks, clinging to him with the last bit of strength she had left. 

"I'm sorry," he was whispering, his voice broken. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry."