Little Women 2019: Whirlwind Nightmare

Like I've probably said before, I've seen a lot of Little Women versions, and most of them have been pretty bad. But seriously, friends, this one takes the cake for the worst version of them all. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know a lot of people are obsessed with this version, but I gotta wonder... is it just because it's the newest one and the most advertised? It's like the entertainment industry is like "this is the best version and everyone loves it, you must love it too" and so everyone does. No, I really am sorry, I know, it's opinion. Don't want to offend anybody. 

I shall now proceed to explain my reasoning.

First of all, this film is a headache of a whirlwind nightmare. It's like "Here's 759 pages of literature thrown in your face in two hours of film!" Everyone talks all at the same time. There's a hundred things happening at once. In any given scene, you can hear voices from all over the room, all saying separate things. I know that's how things go in real life, but in a film, you've got to straighten it out a bit and focus in on the important parts. I was so scatterbrained, watching this mess.

My brain is swirling in circles and circles and circles...😵🥴

Another thing... this film skips all over creation. It begins at the end and skips to the beginning, then all over the middle, weaving in and around like a drunk driver. Here Beth is fine, now she's sick. Now she's dying, now she's fine, now she's sick, now she's dead. And now Meg's getting married and, surprise surprise, Beth's alive again! And Jo's hair... always a different length. Now it's long, now it's short, now it's in the middle, now it's short again, now it's long again. It's like alphabet soup. It's the result you would get if you tore every page out of the book and threw it up in the air like confetti and then read it just as you happened to pick it up. Honestly, if I didn't know this story forwards and backwards, inside-out and upside-down, I wouldn't have the slightest clue what on earth was going on. 

Observe a proper young woman of the 19th century, out for a rapid stroll about the fashionable city of New York.

The actors are terrible and none of them look quite the way I imagined them to. And most of them have really annoying voices. I can't stand hearing a single word out of Amy's mouth. And they all have weird obnoxious laughs. And Professor Bhaer is, as usual, nothing short of a sad disaster. Pretty much every Little Women film out there has destroyed my poor professor. (Except one. But it must not be mentioned in the same post as this disaster. Later, my friends, later.)

Sorry, but... yikes.

And the film messes up all the romance. For one thing, we have Jo writing a desperate love letter to Laurie, apologizing for turning him down, saying that she needs him in her life... it's ridiculously messed up. And then she goes off to angrily tear it up after she finds out that Laurie and Amy are married. At the end, you discover the entire thing is a farce. That's right, folks. A total farce. Jo literally makes up the scenes between her and Professor Bhaer and it becomes a disgustingly cheesy rom-com. Too fake. Waaaaay too fake. Made me think of the Princess Bride or something like that. The story ends with Jo alone, hugging her newly-published book and secretly, I think she's Alcott, not Jo at all. 

Laurie attempting to propose... Nah. Sure it wouldn't be a disaster. Just look at his hair...

This film looks bad too, for the most part. The scenery is pretty fabulous, but there's an unmistakably dreadful modern look to it. The costumes don't seem completely period accurate and are really ugly most of the time. Particularly Jo's pathetic fashion sense and Meg's dreadful ball gown that looks like a princess costume from Walmart. Honestly, Little Women should look old-fashioned and comfortably nostalgic.

🎵Someday my prince will come... la la la di dah...🎵 *insert dancing woodland animals*

Frankly, this film is rushed, poorly done, and lacks every scrap of the traditional Little Women charm. Charm that I saw in some form in almost all of the other films. I felt frantic and depressed at the end... and Little Women is supposed to make me feel happy and peaceful. Warm and fuzzy feelings, you know. I feel like the makers of this film were subtly making fun of the story the entire time. Very badly done. By far the worst Little Women adaption I've ever seen and nothing is changing my mind on that.

The Characters

Saiorse Ronan as Jo March

Jo in this film is an improper, unmannerly, tomboyish harum-scarum. I know, I know. She's supposed to be that way. But they went way over the top. She's actually almost masculine and in the book, she was supposed to become a woman. Not a perfect lady like Meg or Amy, but still a woman. I really didn't see any character arc at all, either. 

Emma Watson as Meg March

Meg was all wrong. I'm afraid I'm not giving good reasons here, other than that none of the actors seemed to be doing very good at all. But Meg just... didn't look or act like Meg should. She looked fake and too modern and the character was very shallow. There really wasn't anything to her at all.

Eliza Scanlen as Beth March

Again, another character that just didn't seem right. She just didn't have Beth's charm.

Florence Pugh as Amy March

As I said before, I couldn't stand Amy's voice and that was the worst part. But in general, the character development, which was barely there, was flat, weak, and artificial. 

Timothee Chalamet as Theodore Laurence

This Laurie seems rather... limp and shallow. Like a wet noodle. Just another failed Laurie to add to the long, long list. 

Laura Dern as Marmee

This Marmee was too flat and un-Marmee-like. Marmee is supposed to be homey, old-fashioned, conservative, comfortable. This one made me think of a glamourous British aristocratic housewife on a reality TV show. And she is really much too young. She could be one of the sisters instead of their mother.

Bob Odenkirk as Father

What can I say? He was practically non-existent. Poor acting when he really was on screen.

Meryl Streep as Aunt March

For one thing, much too young to be a great aunt. And for another thing, she is of the class that this film's Marmee is of. Not to sound like a broken record, but some kind of British nobility in a reality TV show. But with a disturbing touch of odd Fairy Godmother-ish-ness. None of the pompous, portly, gruff-but-kindly, reminiscient-of-Aunt-Josephine Aunt March that I have come to know and yes, love, because she's really got a good heart in spite of all her terrifying exterior. 

James Norton as John Brooke

He was too old. Waaay too old. Kind of creeped me out. No chemistry between the two of them and it was just a bit creepy. 

Louis Garrel as Professor Bhaer

Ooookay... this is... Professor Bhaer?? Gotta be joking. I mean, look at the guy! What happened to the bumbling, bearded, German-accented professor that we all adore?? He's supposed to be an old softy, an adorable sweetheart hidden beneath rather shabby and awkward manners. Not an odd kind of 21st century supposed-to-be-heartthrob. 

Characters: They had their merits, it was just incredibly hard to find them under all that rubbish. 3/10

Soundtrack: Nothing special. Pretty average, cliche, even boring. 4/10

Settings: Lovely scenery. Lighting and shots a bit too modern. 6/10

Costumes: Mostly ugly, cheesy, or period incorrect, but some of them were pretty good. 6/10

Story: A disaster. Total and complete. 1/10

Overall rating: 2/10

Loneliness...

And now that I have finished ranting, I am suddenly afraid that my rant is not rant-y enough. Shall we go at another round?? 😆

Till the Next Rant,

Juliette

P.S. Are you satisfied Emi? Or shall we rant some more? 😆