ATOP Chapter Fifty-Five

It wasn't meant to be... and yet... it was a terrible night. The whole town had gathered at the station to welcome Ronnie and Rachel back. They had escorted them back into town amidst the clash of loud music and the cheers of hundreds. There were speeches, there were ceremonies consisting of raising flags and long, emotional toasts and bugled taps. There was mention of the banquet they were to have later on.

Rachel had gone along although she hadn't wanted to. She was afraid of what all this would do to Ronnie. She had seen him beginning to panic. His hands were trembling, his eyes were filled with a terror that she understood. 

And then... a twenty-one gun salute... and the ceremonial firing of the town's Civil War cannon... the mayor had been so proud of this militant display... but it ended the celebration abruptly. At the sound of that cannon, Ronnie tore away from his family and vanished.

They didn't find him until the next morning... he was just calmly sitting in the barn, milking cows as if nothing had happened. No one spoke of the night before. No one mentioned how Rachel had cried herself sick, pacing the floor for hours, her arms wrapped around the baby she carried inside of her. Or that Josh had led a dozen men in a search across town. The issue was simply closed, sealed up, and locked away. And the only question lay in Rachel's eyes when Ronnie trudged wearily from the barn to the house, his head bowed, while she stood on the porch and waited in silence. He was limping heavily that day.

♡♡♡

"I told her," Rebekah whispered, her voice forceful. "I told everyone, over and over, and no one would listen to me."

"It's over now," Donna grimaced as she looked down at the figure huddled at her kitchen table. "We will just forget about it."

"Forget about it?" Rebekah glanced up... and then threw back her head and laughed. It was a chilling, sardonic laugh. Donna shuddered to hear it. "You know nothing more of any of this than Mickey does... or any of you people who sat at home while we went through living hell. No one forgets. They can only hope to get some moments of peace and rest from the torture in their head... and once peace begins to come, then those who do not understand tear open the scars... and let them bleed again."

"Rebekah..." Donna's voice was filled with a something the girl could not put a name to. Something filled with tender love and understanding that somehow leapt impossible bounds and knew what experience had never told her. "Dear girl..." she sat down beside Rebekah and covered the girl's tightly-clasped hands with her own. "I want you to think about something. You do not have to answer this question... only think about it. What is freedom? What does it mean to you?"

"Freedom..." Rebekah whispered the word.

"Yes. Freedom... from pain, from sorrow, from the memories that bind you as surely as iron chains. Think of what that means to you."

Rebekah squeezed her eyes tight shut. Scenes scurried before them... her mind turning back farther and farther... showing a thousand things she wanted to forget... and she cried out in pain.

The hungry, hollow-eyed human skeletons at the camp, the black clouds of smoke from the incinerators, the tall boots of SS officers and Nazi guards, the sound of screaming... two kinds of screaming... words of unspeakable hatred and shrieks of pain and terror. The black number tattooed on her forearm that she had never even let Rachel see, always hidden beneath long sleeves. The cruel laughter of the guards when they shaved off her hair and the horrible, horrible look in Shonie's eyes when they did the same to her... those freezing cold nights they had huddled together in their filthy bunk, trying to distract themselves from the gnawing hunger pains... Jakob, and his brave words and his eyes that always seemed so alive in spite of everything... and the gentle kiss he had pressed on her cheek the last time she had seen him...

"Tafsik..." she gasped out, reverting to Hebrew, hands tearing at her hair in desperation. "Ani le vechul lesbol et ze... Elohim yarcham, Elohim yarcham... God have mercy..."

"Precious daughter of God," Donna whispered, curling her fingers around Rebekah's. "I know it is hard for you to listen. But I need you to hear these words. We do not fully understand... I acknowledge this. But our hearts bleed for you. We are here, we are ready to help you. And think of our Father God... how much more must His heart bleed? Because while we were not there with you... He was. He understands, and He will help us understand... and He alone can give you freedom from the memories and the fear that chains your soul."

"But you mean for me to accept your false Messiah, with those promises of peace and freedom," Rebekah pulled her hands from Donna's grasp. The older woman sighed and offered a sad smile.

"Why not put this behind us for now and just... enjoy the beauty of today? Someday, the past will have to be reckoned with... let's take it one day at a time until you are ready for that. See the sunshine, the blue sky, the flowers?"

"Will you..." Rebekah stammered, suddenly nervous. "Will you teach me about flowers? I know so little..."

The warmth in Donna's answering smile touched something deep inside of the girl's shattered heart.

"Come, my daughter, I shall tell you everything I know about the flowers. And one thing you should know right now... these flowers, tiny spots of bright beauty... they are proof that God loves us. See the color He has put into our world? The flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come..."

Rebekah's face lit up. 

"Our wise king Solomon. Those are words of the Ketuvim!"

"And beautiful words they are," Donna laughed happily.

♡♡♡

"Rachel, I'm sorry..." Ronnie breathed desperately, his face twisted with pain. "I'm sorry..."

She sat with her face turned away from him, as if she did not hear. She hadn't spoken a word to him since he had come in that morning. Not even when his eyes filled with tears. He slipped to his knees beside her, reaching for her hand. She let him hold it.

"Rachel, please, I... please... don't do this to me... Rachel, look at me, look at me, please..." His voice broke. "I don't know what got into me... it was like something snapped... it was like being there again. I couldn't see anything but blood and dust and men dying all around... I had to get out of there..."

"Why did you not come home?" Rachel whispered, trembling.

"I... I did." He bowed his head again. "I was in the barn. I ran all the way... I guess I got up to the loft somehow, cuz that's where I woke up this morning... I... I don't remember climbing up there..."

"I was so afraid... all night long... I did not know where you were..."

"Rachel..." his voice broke. "I don't know what happened. I... I just got scared... I couldn't think... the... the beach and... and everyone died... everyone disappeared... it was like being surrounded but... but alone... I... I had to get away so I could think... Dear God help me, I won't let it happen again..."

"Ronnie..." Rachel gasped his name and she turned to look at him, her eyes open wider than he had ever seen them before. Her voice was tense and she pulled her hand from his grasp to grip his shoulders. "Ronnie, listen to me. I do not know what to say about last night... I was scared nearly to death, and I am angry, jah, but... but I forgive you because..." Another gasp and her fingers dug into his shoulders. "I love you, Ronnie, and... and... this baby is coming..."

Ronnie's face went dead-white.

"The... the... the baby... now?"

"Jah, now..." Rachel groaned. 

"Wh... wh... what d'I do?" Ronnie jumped to his feet, looking around wildly.

"Emma. I need Emma," Rachel grit her teeth. "Help me... get to bed... and get Emma..."