ATOP Chapter Thirty-Five

It wasn't until they reached the house again that Rachel realized how cold she was. She wondered vaguely how long she had lain out there in the snow as she trembled in Ronnie's arms, her teeth chattering. 

"I thought for sure you would go to mom and dad's or Josh and Emma's," Ronnie scolded as he laid her on the couch by the fire. "Never thought you would do something so crazy as... as..." he sighed and shook his head. "It was my fault. I'm... so sorry..."

He was crying. Rachel felt her heart sinking. She wasn't sure where to restart... if she should even dare asking him again. She lay still, her mind spinning torturously as Ronnie found blankets and wrapped her in them. His eyes were still gray... grayer than she had ever seen them before. He was scaring her to death. 

"I... don't know where to start..." he laughed humorlessly as he sat beside her, gathering her against him. "But... you... are right. We... need to talk. There... is... so much... that I... haven't told you... I'm... I'm sorry."

He sighed heavily and it seemed as if with that sigh, everything went out of him. He slumped wearily forward, dropping his head. For a long, long time, he was silent. This time... Rachel waited. And she prayed. The minutes ticked slowly past and Ronnie didn't move. But his hands were shaking. 

And when he finally started talking, she could scarcely hear him. His voice was jerky and hesitant, and the words came so slowly.

"I haven't... felt the same... since the first time I saw combat," he whispered. "Like I lost myself... and I dunno how to ever be the person that I used to be again. I try... I really try... I... I want to be strong for you and Benjie... want to be able to put the past behind me and... move on... but... I can't. It tortures me every... single... moment..." He avoided her eyes as she looked up at him searchingly. "I'm a murderer, Rachel. A murderer." He drew in his breath, sharply. Rachel found his hand beneath the blankets and squeezed it. 

"They put me in charge," he shuddered. "With everything in me, I wish they never had. It's so much... worse... when you're in charge, y'know? I was responsible for all those men, all those lives... And I... I failed. I lost so many at Omaha... and I even took charge of men I wasn't over in the first place, and I lost them too. I lost them all the way across France when they made me a lieutenant. And when we got to Belgium... it was the worst of all. I... I had... over a hundred men with me at one point. The other officers were... all gone. So it was... it was up to me. There was a bayonet charge... and it was my idea... and then we split up and I... Rachel... I led those men into an ambush. I didn't know... but I... I failed. I lost every last one of them except for... three. Only three, Rachel! Think of it... all those lives that depended on me and I... I let them get killed! It was... my fault! It should've been me... I should have died!"

His voice had gotten louder and he ended with a shout... and then a sob. Rachel wrapped her arms around him as he cried... and cried with him. She wanted to say so much... to tell him that it wasn't his fault... that he had done all he could... that he had been so brave and fought so well... but she knew without speaking that her words would fall flat. Words were just words and they couldn't help him. All she could do was hold him and cry with him. 

"The day we.... met..." he whispered finally. "And we... the... Germans... I... tried to hold 'em off. But there were too many of 'em. I ran out of ammo. So I... did the only thing I could think of... and it was stupid, but it worked. Dropped my gun and ran... as far away from you and the others as I could. They caught up with me... took me off to some prison somewhere... There were a lot of men in that prison. A lot of good men. We were hungry, tired, cold, sick, wounded... there was never enough to eat and never any warmth. And we couldn't sleep, not when we were so cold and hungry. I... there were two boys... twins. One was wounded, the other was sick and... dying. I... helped 'em get out. Helped a lot get out. All in one night. It was... crazy."

"And Greg?" Rachel murmured. Ronnie nodded.

"He was supposed to stay hidden. He stood and... ran... Kraut tried to shoot him so I... jumped the Kraut. Dunno what happened to Greg. They dragged everyone out, found all the men that were missing... fifty four of them. They yelled at the men, hit them, kicked them... no one would say who was in charge of the escape. So I guess they just decided it was me."

It was starting to make sense. Dread filled the pit of Rachel's stomach as she guessed what he was about to say. She buried her face against his shoulder, squeezing his hand tighter as he went on.

"They tied me up, pressed the barrel of a gun against my head, and told me to... to kneel and... beg for mercy." He swallowed hard, shuddering again. It was a long time before he could force himself to whisper the words... "Wasn't about to kneel for them... so I... told them... I wasn't... afraid... to... die..."

"Ach, Ronnie..." Rachel groaned involuntarily. She almost didn't want to hear the rest. But he kept going and she said nothing.

"I hardly remember what happened next... they... dragged me to the guy in charge, he said... I don't remember. Didn't make sense. And they just... started... beating me. I couldn't fight back... Wanted to, real bad... but I couldn't with my hands tied... it was pretty much the worst feeling I've ever known... not being able to use my hands, not even to defend myself... I thought they would kill me... guess I blacked out. Next thing I remember is being shoved back in my barracks and I couldn't even... stand up... they said that... that my jaw was broken, my ribs, my fingers, my nose, I dunno what all. My knee... was all messed up... dunno what really happened to it. Out of joint or something... dunno. Worst pain I ever felt in all my life."

He looked down at her and for one moment she caught sight of just a hint of blue through the gray.

"You were there with me then," he whispered. "I don't know how, but you were. And I knew then that I loved you, forever and always... and I had to find you. Even if it took me the rest of my life to search. I don't deserve you, not one bit... but here you are beside me..." a note of wonder crept into his voice. 

"I prayed for you every moment," Rachel murmured. "I prayed so hard, so... so hard. All those times that I begged God over and over... oh, Ronnie..."

"And here I..." Ronnie sighed. "Let you run off in the snow... you know what, I'm not taking good care of you. I..." he stood up abruptly.

"What are you doing?"

"Tea or coffee or hot chocolate?" he grinned crookedly and Rachel felt a rush of relief. His eyes were blue again. 

"Tea," she smiled back. "But do not dare accuse yourself of not taking good care of us. It is not a fair or true thing to say and I will not allow it. You have proven yourself a worthy husband and... and father... and... well, I wanted some special way of telling you but I cannot think of anything and... maybe I should just say it. I have a surprise."

"Tell me quick then, before tea."

Rachel beamed.

"Come late next summer, our little Benjie will have a playmate." She sat back, one hand pressed against her stomach, and waited for it to sink in. Ronnie stared at her blankly. 

"A klein liebling," she tried again, laughing when he looked even more confused. "A baby, Ronnie, come on! Do you not understand what I am saying?"

"A baby..." he repeated, dazed.

"A baby." Rachel laughed. "Go, go get tea. Think about it for a minute or two. And then, once you remember what a baby is, we can talk about it."